


i wish i could forget when it was magic

by spinningincircles



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Divorce, F/M, Family Feels, Hopeful Ending, Introspection, Lightwood Family, Maryse Centric, also all the relationships are hella background but i tagged them anyway sry
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-11
Updated: 2018-08-11
Packaged: 2019-06-25 23:53:54
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,339
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15651513
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/spinningincircles/pseuds/spinningincircles
Summary: Now that she was alone, reading them again, the cold gravity settled back in like a shard of ice in her belly. The last piece of her perfect life plan would crumble away as soon as her signature dried.





	i wish i could forget when it was magic

**Author's Note:**

> maryse is such a fascinating character and i love her a lot
> 
> title from "better man" by little big town

The pen hovers over the paper in a trembling hand. It’s been 3 days since she got them, and she’s spent far more time convincing herself to deal with them than she’s proud of. Maryse sighs, setting the pen down on the coffee table and settling back into the chair. There’s a breeze coming in through the open window, and she can hear the hustle and bustle of SoHo down below. She should be enjoying the day, exploring the neighborhood — instead she’s inside, mulling. Wondering.

They were delivered to her at the Institute, of all places. She supposes it makes sense — she made it a point not to tell him where she was living now — but it didn’t make it any less embarrassing. To have a cadet come into Alec’s office, where she had been enjoying lunch with her sons and daughter, and hand a her a bright orange packet before quickly scurrying back out the door. To look at Izzy and Jace’s perplexed faces and the grim line of Alec’s mouth — they both knew what it was before she cracked the seal. To pull out the first sheet and see it right in front of her.

Supreme Court of the State of New York. Action for Divorce.

She had been expecting them, waiting for them, waiting to get it out of the way and actually, fully move on in her new life, but seeing those words hit her harder than she could have prepared for. She hid it though, for the sake of her kids, for her own sake at the moment. She tucked the packet in her purse and plastered on a smile, trying to move past the moment and save lunch.

Now that she was alone, reading them again, the cold gravity settled back in like a shard of ice in her belly. The last piece of her perfect life plan would crumble away as soon as her signature dried.

She had loved Robert, there was no denying that. When they first met, she was struck by his quiet dignity, the way he could command a room with fewer words than most. The way his confidence seeped out from him, latching on to all those closest to him, especially herself. She has always had big dreams — to run an Institute, to make meaningful changes in the Clave — but there was always an inkling of doubt that she had the inner strength to live up to those dreams. Until Robert. Until Valentine. Until her confidence became overconfidence that led to her disgrace.

Even after The Uprising, though, she was sure she would always have her husband. The first man she had met who didn’t immediately dismiss her, but listened, cared, seemed to actively want her to chase what she wanted. She was sure his support would continue unwaveringly as they moved to New York with an infant son and a chance at redemption.

And it did. For a while.

It was subtle at first. Coming to bed late and slipping out early. Fewer casual touches. Excuses to get out of time they had to themselves. She figured all marriages went through dry patches of all work and no play. Her parents had seemed to be in one for as long she could remember. This is normal, she’d tell herself. The passion wasn’t bright and hot anymore, but it was still there. A warm glow that had simply faded into the background of their lives.

It kept fading. Not just from him, but from her as well. She stopped trying to get him alone, to make sure the kids were in bed on time so they could enjoy each other’s company. She opted to throw herself farther into work, into the making the Institute the best it could be. She relied on him only professionally, and even then it was a struggle. The confidence she used to admire so much became stubbornness that prevented anything from getting done. His quick decision making became rash and detrimental to her vision. It was rare that their days didn’t involve a screaming match, and neither of them seemed to care.

When she received a letter from a girl in Idris that started with “I’m sorry, we never meant to fall in love”, she wasn’t even surprised. Angry, sure. Embarrassed, of course. But not surprised.

As she stares at the papers, those feelings come bubbling back to the surface. Why does  _ he _ get to leave her, when it should be the other way around? Why does  _ he _ get to keep a cushy Clave job while she is stripped of her very essence and left to fend for herself in a mundane world she barely knows? Why does  _ he _ come out on top? Does he know how he’s destroyed her? Does he care?

And yet the pen still hovers over the paper. There’s still a tinge of hesitation. Despite the majority of their marriage being turbulent, she can’t ignore the pockets of happiness. She still so intensely remembers the times where she was sure so much joy had never been felt by one person. He had made her strong, made her feel safe, made her feel like the world was hers for the taking. Those feelings were what carried her through the dark times, helped her pick herself up when she was down, made her feel okay again.

She’s not sure she’s going to be able to do this.

As if the universe heard her, her phone chimes from the coffee table. She picks it up, reading the messages she’s missed while she was neck deep in self reflection.

**[from: Isabelle]** _Are you free tonight?? There’s a potluck tonight at the Institute (one of Alec’s weird new team bonding ideas) and we’d LOVE for you to come!! Bring anything you’d like, and anyone you’d like (; see you soon!!_

**[from: Jace]** _I feel inclined to let you know that Izzy will NOT be cooking anything for the dinner tonight so there shouldn’t be any fear of food poisoning. Hope you can make it. This is also a formal request for that cheesy rice thing you make_

**[from: Alec]** _ Magnus is threatening a boycott of tonight if you and Luke aren’t coming so...please come. Also because I really want you there. And it will hopefully be fun. And I’m seconding Jace’s request for the cheesy rice thing _

**[from: Lucian]** _Judging by the barrage of texts I’ve gotten from all of your children and their significant others...I guess we have plans for tonight?_

She can’t help the tears that spring to her eyes, or the smile that threatens to crack her face in two. Her doubts and fears vanish almost instantly as she’s reminded that whatever Robert gave her is magnified 100 fold by the people in her life now.

Izzy shows her how to be strong at her lowest and how to keep the fight going. Jace shows her the genuine goodness that can be born even in the face of hate. Alec shows her how to follow her heart even when it seems impossible.

Luke shows her how to be loved -- really, truly, unconditionally loved.

She’s ready now, as she’ll ever be. She initials and signs in all the appropriate places and sticks the packet back in the envelope. There’s a bitter taste in her mouth, a stone in her gut, but she knows it won’t last for long. There are certain chapters of your life that will always be hard to finish, no matter how ready you are to move on. Thankfully, the ending usually paves the way for a better, brighter beginning.

Maryse responds to her children and Luke, picks up her purse, and heads out the door to the market. The sun is warm, the breeze is cool, and the city is thrumming with energy.

Her cracks are healing. It’s slow and it’s agonizing at times, but she is putting herself back together with the help of her true support system. She’s moving on. She’s at peace.

She’s happy.

**Author's Note:**

> come be emo about shadowhunters on tumblr with me!


End file.
